Anner on Anner: A Love Story by Zach
Mention his name to anyone on the street and the reaction would be unanimous: he was universally recognized around the world for being the greatest man known to man. Words like “perfect” didn’t do him justice and “better than perfect” did a shit job too. He was an Olympian at heart. The first man to win a gold medal in every sport in both the summer and the winter games in one day. He was named by people magazine as “The Sexiest Man to Have Ever Lived” beating out Adam (of Adam and Eve) Craigfar the caveman, Cassanova and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. The overwhelming victory had caused an unfortunate side effect and as of the last census 97% of married women had divorced their husbands in the hopes that he would marry them. The remaining 3% were dead.
A lesser person met with such adoration, love and respect would certainly develop an ego, but Zach Anner was a humble man. He paid no attention to the press or his innumerable personal successes. The only tokens he kept as a reminder of his achievements were his 387 Olympic gold medals that he wore around his neck at all times. He had no desire to bask in the joy of himself and were it not for the specially crafted Super Olympics in which he was competing in 6 months he wouldn’t be able to muster the will to live. For Zach had lost his only love. It was by all accounts a fairy tale with a happily ever after stolen from him before he could say “hey. wait. cut that out.” like an awesome sandwich dropped on the floor and every expectation of a loving and prosperous lifetime, now just a dirty slice of ham. His everything was gone.
*****
Kelly Clarkson was a Moroccan waitress he had met while stopping an earthquake at an Applebee’s. Their connection was almost instantaneous, it wasn’t love at first site, but it took like 5 minutes to know they were meant for each other. They liked all the same things: hats, meals, stuff and long walks across the street in a golden sunset while listening to Ke$ha’s stirring rendition of “Old Man River” from Showboat on their 32gb Microsoft Zune players. And then after one particularly passionate evening of making love at each other on a bed in the nude he proposed that they be married at once. “Why not make it at twice?”, she hilarioused. And they laughed for hours.
And then they were married at once, not twice as previously had been joked. But then on their honeymoon in Blacksburg Virginia something tragical happened. While Zach was getting dressed Kelly had gone to the bathroom to look at the new earrings he had boughten her. And what happened next neither of them could have predicted unless they were psychic, which they were not. Zach smelled smoke and assumed that Kelly had gone into the bathroom to secretly smoke a pipe. He called to her and asked if everything was alright, but in a panic, the Moroccan beauty forgot the English word for help (help) and instead called out “no I’m fine dear, nothing at all is wrong”. And so Zach unassumingly continued watch his “how to tie a windsor knot” tutorial on youtube while his wife, Kelly Clarkson burned alive in a toilet fire.
